I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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