I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
my liver is dry heaving
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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