Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
