I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
