he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
