dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
