I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
