dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
