Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
