So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
