I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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