you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
