Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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