i permit you to call me
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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