Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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