Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize