The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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