i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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