Can i not drive my cunt home
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
