My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
