Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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