I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
