Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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