the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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