So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
