does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
