so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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