I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
