she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
