did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
