i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
