Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
