come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
