can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
