Will you blow on my dice?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
