I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
