She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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