Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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