Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
