oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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