Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
