there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
