I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
This baby is an asshole
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
