Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
