my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
