I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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