I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you traded sex for a burrito?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
