Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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