Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Randomize
