Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
