My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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