my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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