Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize