Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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