Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
