his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
