the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
