this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
