My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
