The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
