I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
