conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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