he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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